The Tantrum

Last week my husband worked nights and Miss didn't nap.  That wasn't the best combination, and we had a few rough points during the week.  It reminded me of another time my husband was working nights and Miss had her first super crazy meltdown tantrum.  Aaaah, memories...

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Okay, so I am floundering a bit with this "Terrible Twos" thing. I hate even saying that. "Terrible Twos." Having a nearly-two-year-old is not terrible. Most of the time, it's pretty great. But I have found myself in this place recently where sometimes, just sometimes, it is totally. crazy. psycho. During Miss's toddlerhood thus far we've had our share of "moments." Brief little fits. Minor tantrums. They were usually short and they'd blow over quickly. Miss could be distracted pretty easily, and if not she'd pull herself together without too much drama. The one area where we sometimes would have a big meltdown would be after nap when Miss would sometimes wake up in a terrible mood and just have a screaming fit for what seemed like an age.

And then we had today. This morning. My girl woke up like a little ray of sunshine, as always. We had fun playing and coloring and watching a little bit of Sesame Street. We pretended to be dinosaurs. She pretended to make lemonade. Then she said she was hungry so I took her in the kitchen to get a snack. I asked her what she wanted. "Bunny crackers." "Yogurt." Okay, no problem. I got out the yogurt, got a spoon, opened the yogurt and started to put it in front of her. Strawberry yogurt. Yum. Then she asked for a sandwich. I simply said something like, "Well honey, let's have a little snack now and then I'll get you a sandwich at lunchtime." Hello. Commence screaming. Seriously. She started howling like a banshee and did not stop. I tried all my usual tricks. I tried to get her to laugh. I said something like, "I'm sorry you're upset. Please use your words to tell me what you want and I'll be happy to help you."  Ha!! After a while of more shrieking I thought I heard her say, "bunnies," so to try to positively reinforce her "using her words" I got the bunny crackers out and put some on her placemat. She screamed harder. I ate her yogurt and tried to wait her out. She said "down" so I got her down from her chair, at which point she fell to the floor and continued howling. My husband, who was upstairs trying to sleep came downstairs and asked her why she was crying. She stopped for a second, said "Daddy" and then went right back to yelling. He looked at me, I shrugged, he went back upstairs with a comment to the effect of, "Well, I just wanted to make sure that you weren't knocked out down here or something . . ." The rest of what he said was lost in the noise of our daughter. I'm pretty sure that was his no-so-subtle way of saying, "Okay, since you're conscious, can you please do something about our child's insane wailing?" It didn't help that he happened to come downstairs during the part where I was eating her yogurt and trying to wait her out, so it probably looked like I was just chillin', having a snack, not realizing that our child had turned into a little puddle of insanity on the floor.

Anyway, it went on. I could describe the whole painful morning in detail, I'm sure, as it feels as though the scene is scorched into my brain, never to be forgotten. The First Big One. But I'll spare you the details. Okay, I probably already gave way too many details. So, we can leave it at, It Was Bad, and move on. I probably could have ended it rather quickly by turning on the TV or letting her watch Yo Gabba Gabba on the computer or something like that. But I could not bring myself to do that. It just felt like that would have been reinforcing a behavior I'm not anxious to have repeated. Okay, don't laugh, I know it will be repeated in some form quite a few times and probably agonizingly in public on at least a few occasions too. I'm just saying, I don't want to increase the frequency of the Tantrum From Hell by reinforcing it. I'm a psychologist. I'm all into my behavioral principles. I know them forwards and backwards. I guess I automatically get Skinnerian in my head when dealing with this discipline stuff. But I gotta say, this morning, I felt L.O.S.T. I wasn't mad. I wasn't really even upset. I just had no idea how to make it stop. I knew I didn't want to reinforce the behavior, but I also wasn't trying to punish her. She's almost two. She doesn't have good control of her emotions and still has trouble expressing herself. She's learning to deal with this stuff just like I am. But wow. I felt like I had been dropped into the deep end and had forgotten how to swim. I suppose, to stick with this simile, I managed to tread. And you know what eventually worked? I sat down on the floor where we had been coloring earlier, picked up a crayon, and started coloring. Within a minute she had stopped crying and was sitting next to me coloring away. Who knew?

So, I don't really know where I'm going with this post, except to say that I am finding more and more Mommy-moments when I really feel like I'm not sure what the heck I'm doing. I always end up just going with what feels right to me, and things turn out okay. But then I look back and analyze everything and wonder if I did it right and am I going to screw my kid up forever or is she going to turn into a raging brat because I didn't discipline her enough or did I do it too much and now she's going to be insecure or rebellious??? Maybe that's a little bit of an exaggeration. I'm not quite that neurotic. But I do tend to look back on what I did and see if there's something I should do better or differently the next time. I guess I'm just making a mental note to myself that, even with all my principles of reinforcement swirling in my head, I still need to learn how to make it work with this girl. And maybe it will be different every time. And then I'll have to learn it all over again with Lass. And so on. So, I've come to realize that there is no greater in vivo learning experience than motherhood. This is my classroom.

After Miss's fit resolved, I got Lass (poor thing was just hanging out playing during the whole drawn out drama) down for a nap and asked Miss if she wanted to do some finger painting. This was a first for her so she had no idea what I was talking about, but she sure thought it sounded cool. So we got messy as our way to "make-up" (not quite the right word, but I liked the alliteration of the title) after the meltdown.

She liked squishing the paint between her fingers.

Masterpiece #1.

A bit of a lighter touch with this one.

After a while she got freaked out that her hands were so messy.

So she cleaned them off and got right back to it.

She decided to try tasting the paint and didn't much care for it.

For the record, Crayola's "washable" finger paints are indeed washable.

Gallery.

She seemed to like this set up better.

Aaand, we're done.

What better way to finish a messy craft time than with a bubble bath?

Hanging out with Lass at lunch time. We had no more eating-related meltdowns. She had forgotten entirely about the sandwich. For lunch she wanted strawberry yogurt and Cheerios. Unfortunately I had eaten the last strawberry yogurt while she was howling face down on the floor, but she was content with apple. And I wasn't gonna fuss about the lunch menu today. Apple yogurt and dry Cheerios? Sure.

And here she is proudly showing off her artwork to her Daddy when he woke up.

Before I click "Publish Post," I feel like I should say that I know this is my second post in less than a week that might seem like it has a bit of a "complain-y" feel to it regarding mothering a toddler. I am not complaining. I realize all the time how lucky I am to have these two little people to bring up in the best way I can. Sometimes I screw up, and sometimes I nail it, and always I hope that I will learn and get better. And this blog is my way of chronicling this journey, and sharing it, and helping myself to figure it out by getting the words out of my head. So that's it. Going to Arizona tomorrow. Wish us luck on the plane! Good night.

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Things are back to normal around here this week and much improved, though Miss still isn't napping, which means she's a bit of a mess by bedtime.  But nothing like she was that day^^^  

What is Valentine's Day?

When I was much, much younger, I thought Valentine's Day was a sweet, romantic day for flowers and gifts and professions of undying love.  Then I grew up a little bit, and I decided that Valentine's Day was kind of a silly, overly-commercialized "holiday" that was nothing more than a way for card companies and jewelers to make lots of money, and that one should really try to show love every day, not just on Valentine's.  Then I grew up a little bit more, and I revised my opinion of this holiday a bit.  I now think of Valentine's Day as a nice enough day.  There's nothing wrong with a day that encourages people to show their love for one another.  I don't think it's necessary to show that love through expensive gifts, but showing love?  That's cool.  I still think it's much more important to show how much the special people in your life mean to you every day.  An "I love you" and a kiss before leaving for work, or the store, or the basement.  A kiss before bed every night.  "I love you" and holding hands or giving a kiss for no reason at all but to remind someone they are essential to your world.  That's the good stuff.

Now that I have kids, Valentines Day has become something even more.  It has become yet another way to have some fun with my girls.

I like home made gifts for days like Valentine's Day.  I make stuff with my girls for this holiday.  To me it's a great way to have fun together and it helps to neutralize the messages out there that your man must buy you big diamonds or a trip to Aruba to show that he really loves you on Valentine's Day.  Not that my girls see or hear these messages now, but someday I'm sure they will. So we're starting early to make a point of showing love through special gestures and thoughtful, simple gifts, rather than flashy stuff.

We made little heart-shaped crayons for Miss to give to her friends at school, like the ones shown on my friend's blog here, but smaller.  They were inexpensive and pretty easy to do.  The hardest part was getting the paper off the crayons (even soaking them in warm water didn't work for many of them).  The girls loved breaking the crayons up and putting them into the molds.  Miss specially chose which crayon each of her friends would receive and she was very excited to go to school yesterday and give these special gifts to the other kids.  Mission accomplished.

Miss had a great time at her school party, as did I.

She made another craft at her party, a potpourri ball.  She also gave me another school-made gift that is made with paper hearts, her thumb prints, glitter, and her attempt to write her name, all laminated into one big beautiful work of art that currently hangs in a place of honor on our sliding glass door.  She was so proud and excited to give these gifts to me that she had made.

When we got home, she and Lass had fun going through her box of Valentines from the other kids in her class.

Then we made special Valentines to give to Daddy, which they excitedly ran to give him when he got home from work last night.  And as we do every day, we gave lots of hugs and kisses and "I love yous" and "You're my wonderful girls," etc.  Just because that's what we do.  I always want my girls to know that, on Valentine's or any other day, showing your love for someone, and thus the genuineness of their expressions of love for you, is always about what you do, day to day, not how much you spend or how grand your gestures on one day of the year.  A happy life is made up of lots of small moments, not just the few big ones that tend to get lots of attention.

And speaking of showing your love through the things you do, last night I attempted to make paleo-friendly brownies for Miss to take to school today.  Since her birthday is on Saturday and she won't be back to school before then, I wanted to send her with a special birthday treat to share with her friends at school today.  She requested brownies.  I wanted to make them myself and make them relatively healthy, though still a "treat."  I had the best of intentions.  Unfortunately, last night I had a bit of a mom failure, because the brownies just didn't taste that good.  They turned out how I think they're supposed to.  They're edible, and not horrible.  But they don't taste like brownies.  And if I'm going to send my child to school with a treat to share with her friends for her birthday, I'm going to make sure it's yummy, for pete's sake.  So, I made a run to the grocery store last night, when I otherwise would have been composing this Valentine's Day blog post, and grabbed some grocery-store-bakery-made mini cupcakes.  They're good, and I think they were a hit with the kids.  So even though I totally flopped in my Mother-of-the-Year-all-natural-gluten-free-super-delicious-brownie attempt, the late night trip to the grocery store saved the day.  I feel like a dolt and it sucked to make a run to the grocery store at 9pm, but that's okay.  And that's why my Valentine's Day post is a day late.  Hope you had a Happy Valentine's Day.  We did.

Simple

I have a drawer in my kitchen that contains lids for various plastic containers (many of which are no longer anywhere to be found), some swirly straws, and some popsicle molds.  This drawer is located right next to the girls' Learning Tower, and the other day they discovered it.  Since then it has provided endless entertainment both for them, and for me.  Oh how my girls crack me up.

Miss calls the things in this drawer the stuff for her party.  She alternates between having the items in the drawer be for a dance party and for a tea party. But it's always a party.

She turns some of the lids into pretend cakes and sings Happy Birthday to each member of the family in sequence.  She pretends to feed various items to Lass, who returns the favor happily.

Sometimes they just marvel at "Mama, everything's blue!" (or green, or purple, depending on the lid) and then they crack up.

I love the simplicity and innocence of what they find entertaining.  Hilarious even.  They feed off each other and it's so fun to watch.  You just can't beat these moments of motherhood.

Did I Say I Thought Pink Eye Was Yucky?

Yes, I did.  When Miss first started school I typed this post, which I stupidly titled, "Bring on the Ickies" (why would I ever type such a statement?).  At the time I was grossed out because I thought she had pink eye, which she actually didn't have, by the way.  I was writing about how I knew she would bring home lots of germs now that she had started school and blah, blah, blah.  Yesterday I got a much better sense of the truly icky.  Picture it.  I wake up at 4 AM to Lass's crying.  It was a "something's wrong" kind of cry, so I went in to get her thinking maybe she'd had a bad dream or something, and I'd just rock her for a bit.  Instead I found that Lass had puked all over herself, her bed, her floor, and then me as soon as I picked her up.  Okay.  I got it all cleaned up, put both of us in clean jammies, and began rocking her to try to get her back to sleep.  Naturally, she puked all over both of us again before I managed to run her to the bathroom and get her over the sink.  Again, I get it cleaned up and go back to rocking her.  And that's not even the really icky part...

Rewind about 8 hours to Wednesday night.  I had received a text message from a babysitter telling me that her roommate had just found out she has scabies.  Oh yes.  I thought pink eye was gross?  No.  No, scabies is gross.  Gross as in make-my-skin-crawl-give-me-the-crazy-heebie-jeebies kind of gross.  Unfortunately this babysitter had been to my house three times in three days, including Wednesday afternoon for a little while while I took Miss to gymnastics.  At first I wasn't too worried about it, since this babysitter didn't even know if she actually had it, and I hadn't seen any signs that my girls did, but still.  I did vacuum every room where this babysitter would have been, rugs and furniture.  And then as I was sitting there at 4-something AM, rocking Lass again after changing both of our clothes for the second time, I couldn't help but imagine a little bit what yesterday might have had in store for me.  I pictured two puking girls, perhaps being sick myself, and needing to scour and sanitize my house and medicate my girls to get rid of little tiny mites that had burrowed under their skin and gotten into all of our clothing, bedding, furniture, carpets...  Perhaps this was a bit melodramatic, but I was sleepy and my mind was wandering on it's own.  And really it wasn't really too far fetched to imagine that could have been my day.

Amazingly, Lass went back to sleep (though I never did - see thoughts running through my head, above) for a little while and when she woke up she had no additional symptoms of a stomach bug.  She kept down everything I gave her to drink and eat and was her cheerful happy self all day long.  Miss never got sick, nor did I.  Score 1 for Mama!

Unfortunately, I did get a text later in the morning that my babysitter does in fact have scabies.  Even more unfortunately, I couldn't get a doctor's appointment until 4:30 in the afternoon to find out if my girls or I had it.  So, though I tried not to worry about it, I was kind of freaking out that we were infested.  There were no real signs that any of us had it, but I started imagining that every little red spot on my girls or any itch I felt myself was a little mite trying to find a home.  I started stripping sheets and doing laundry.  And then I did the most appropriate and merciful thing yesterday afternoon.  I let my girls watch a rare bit of afternoon TV and I called my mom to whine.

 TV Glaze

It was quite therapeutic.  My mom did what all good moms do.  She listened.  She sympathized.  She made me laugh.  What more could a girl ask for (other than having said mom living nearby so she could have come over to help with the laundry, which my mom would have happily done, of course...).

And to make a very long story short, the girls napped, we went to the doctor, and we found out that we do not have scabies.  And I learned a lot about scabies that made me feel better all around, like that scabies can't live long at all in clothing, furniture, etc.  That washing every article of clothing and bedding in our house wasn't really necessary, though I did it anyway.  That scabies show up fast and move fast and itch like crazy.  In other words, if you have scabies, you know it.  Since we didn't have it and our poor babysitter had not been around for a while, the likelihood that we would get it was nil.  Score 2 for Mama!

And, since we did not have scabies, our other babysitter, whom we had scheduled to come over so my hubby and I could get out for dinner, was still happy to come.  So we had a nice dinner out and relaxed away the craziness of the day.  Score 3!!  I am still a little bit shocked when I think about how crummy yesterday could have been and then about how relatively not-so-bad it really was.  I feel like I dodged a major bullet!

And to top it all off, since we don't have scabies and my testimony for this morning got postponed (thankfully, because I wouldn't have had a babysitter!), we got to go to a much-looked-forward-to play date with some great friends.  My friend had a Christmas cookie decorating play date at her house this morning, and it was a blast.  Lass mostly just ate a cookie and played in the frosting.

Miss had lots of fun decorating the cookies and eating them.  She had a little bit of a hard time though with the idea that she could only eat one of the cookies she decorated and the rest we had to just decorate and save to take home.

Miss made a special cookie for her Daddy.

A good time was had by all.  Hooray for no scabies!

Tomorrow we go to my parent's house for a week.  I am so thrilled to spend the week with my Mom and Dad.  But, that likely means there will be very little blogging from this girl until we get back, as my parents live in an internet black hole.  I'll be back in about a week!

A Few Thoughts On Raising Daughters

I often think about how to teach my daughters to be assertive.  In our culture, girls and women are often given the message that they should always be agreeable  and nice rather than speaking their mind.  I want to raise daughters who will be strong, independent, and confident, as well as being nice people.  Daughters who will not afraid to voice an opinion, go against the grain, and stick up for themselves when necessary.   

 After school today she insisted on getting back into her Halloween costume so she could be "a beautiful ballerina."  I love it.

So far this little one seems to have no trouble expressing her feelings about things. 

Yesterday at her school Halloween party, I saw a boy push Miss a few times.  She came over to me after it happened the first time and seemed quite intimidated.  I admit, my immediate instinct when I first saw it was to go and tell the boy to please not push.  Instead, I talked to her about how she could tell the boy to please not push her.

This morning, after a week of no tears and great school experiences, she was a bit upset about going to school again.  I thought it might have something to do with that boy, so I reminded her of what we had talked about yesterday and how to handle it if another kid pushed or hit her.  She then mentioned that the boy had pulled her hair yesterday as well.  When I dropped her off at school I informed her teacher of my concerns about what had happened.  She was very responsive and reassured me about the issue.

When I picked Miss up, I experienced a major proud mommy moment.  Miss's teacher told me that Miss had turned to the boy who had pushed her and pulled her hair yesterday and said, completely on her own, "I didn't like it when you pulled my hair."  Simple and direct. The boy apologized.  I am so incredibly proud of her!

As a mother of daughters, it is so important to me that they learn to stick up for themselves.  To not be afraid to voice disagreement with something they think is wrong or to tell someone to stop it if they are being treated badly.  Right now it's pushing and hair pulling.  Later on they might have to be assertive if faced with bullying, "mean girl" behaviors, or overly zealous attentions from hormone-crazed boys.  When they are older, I will teach them some good ways to knock down the hormone-crazed boys (literally and figuratively) if necessary.  Their dad can teach them some good wrestling moves.

But for today, I'm pretty darn proud of "I didn't like it when you pulled my hair."  That's my girl.